Online dating horror stories…

So, I dont know how many of you have dabbled in the Online Dating World…

I have and it can be a great way to meet new people OR a very….

very… strange place…

I will never forget my encounter with “Maniacal laugh guy”…

All seemed normal… His profile was nice, he seemed educated and creative.. two things I definitely look for in a man…

WELL- He emailed me and we messaged back and forth for a couple of days before exchanging numbers… the messages weren’t very lengthy, basic small talk but i was hopeful… i was always hopeful. He called and he was funny! He made me laugh and although we didn’t get to talk much before things turned for the strange and creepy. I’m sure he’ll find SOMEONE out there that is into his….. kind.

One day, maybe our fourth or fifth phone call (We hadn’t even met yet… before he got all crazy on me.) He was home , apparently frustrated because the air conditioning in his apartment wasn’t working… SO the phone call went as such:

Me- “Hey how are you?”
Him- “Hot. The *&#$%@% AC is broken and its so EFFING HOT!”
Me-“Well that’s no fun, why dont you get out of the apartment for a bit, go to the mall or something?”
and that’s when he started to CURSE ME OUT talking about what was he supposed to do at the mall, (ummm.. i dunno , get out of the heat? but thats just an idea…) When i asked him to please lower his voice, and calm down a little bit cause well, he was starting to scare me… he CONTINUED to curse and yell about how i dont understand his situation…(The AC is broken… ) and more cursing…. followed by some yelling… until finally i just hung up and decided not to answer that guys calls again.

I changed his contact info to Name: Crazy Psycho DON’T ANSWER!

A day went by and i started receiving emails from him, on the dating site. Emails that went “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHH!”

I received about three emails a day before i figured out how to block him…
THEN i got Emails to my PERSONAL account!
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHH!”

I started receiving TEXT MESSAGES!
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHH!”

VOICEMAILS!
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHH!”

At the end of the day i was kind of hoping for a little of THIS:

Instead… i got this…

After about four maniacal laughing voicemails it stopped. He actually texted me a couple of months ago… “Hey remember me?”

I texted back “Unfortunately…”

I didn’t answer…. i think he got the hint. THANK GOD.

Luckily a couple of months after maniacal laugh guy i met the man of my dreams… ONLINE! Yup.

 Thank you Huffington post, for showing me I’m not the only one that suffered a weird online dating experience…

  •  I got walked out on on a date that seemed like it was going fairly well because I said I didn’t like french fries. I am still baffled by it.

  •  The date where the self-identified “artist” revealed her day job was working as a prison guard, and she spent much of our afternoon on a mumbled, paranoid rant about an anonymous “them” who were on the verge of their incipient take over of everything we hold dear. She wore mirrored wrap-around sun glasses. She ordered $75 worth of lunch, which she wouldn’t touch because she was sure it was contaminated.

  • My date ‘encouraged’ me to share the $100 steak for two. It was delicious, but he proceeded to pick out every single piece of fat from his mouth and made a pile of it on the side of his plate. I was so grossed out I couldn’t bring myself to ask what the problem was. By the end of dinner it looked like he’d spit out more than he’d ate.

  •  I went back to the person’s place after a concert and unwittingly served as passive-aggressive muscle for a drug deal. It was perilously close to that scene from Boogie Nights.

  • My worst case dating scenario… was actually not all that bad. But when the conversation turned to “future plans” the guy could not tell me much beyond how many dogs he wanted to own at some future time. He wanted to own thirty dogs. He had their names and breeds picked out already. At the time he owned no dogs at all.

  •  I went out with a guy in his 30s who told me within the first hour of the date that: he didn’t have a bank account, had never filed taxes, worked on a drug farm, and paid with his “green card” aka pot for goods and services in the neighborhood.

  • Nowhere on her profile did it say anything about her being an acid casualty and ketamine dealer.

  •  It’s a tie. The first is when I waited an hour outside at Harvard Square in late January because my date was in the North End buying pot (not for me.) The second was with a grad student in English who dismissed my skepticism towards Freudianism with, “I guess I’m just not as much of social determinist as you are.” The moral of these stories: don’t date Harvard men.

  • Made the wrong comment about conceptual artist Matthew Barney to the wrong art student… got called a “bourgeois pig.”

  •  He spent one-third of the time telling me about the musical he was writing about raccoons, one-third of the time talking about C++, and one-third of the time demonstrating the plot of Othello using the salt and pepper shakers.

  • The seemingly bohemian alt industrial-music dj was still enough of a “nice jewish girl” that she insisted our first meeting be a dinner with her mother at an Italian chain restaurant in the Valley.

  •  I am pretty good at not going out on dates unless I am fairly certain that I have picked someone I am at least a little compatible with, but at one point, I ended up going out with a girl to a cafe, where she had secretly invited her friends, who, it turns out, were mostly just AA buddies, and the next thing I knew, I was at an AA meeting. I don’t really drink much, and I don’t really have a problem with it, and I didn’t really know the girl very well, and I didn’t want to be there. While I am sure it was great for her, it was just not where I expected to be on a first date.

  • I can’t even begin to rehash the details, but the guy drove a Cougar as if it were a Ferrari, had a facial twitch that I’m pretty sure can be seen from space, had favorite hobbies along the lines of watching History channel documentaries, and disapproved of my eating of croutons in my salad. Because of carbs.

  • I went on a date with an otherwise cute girl who wore a “Trogdor the Burninator” shirt and said at least one 4chan meme to me, unprompted, out loud.

  •  I once went out with someone who, within an hour of meeting me, told me that his ultimate fantasy was to date a replicant.

  • Went on two dates. Girl followed me on twitter. Girl randomly started replying and cursing at my tweets.

  • This guy commutes to the city from Connecticut, which I never really get (why not just live in New York?). I suggested that he must really treasure his vegetable garden or something in order to put up with 2.5 hours/day on Metro- North. He told me that when he bought his house, he hired a landscaper to tear everything out and replace it with gravel. “Like a prison yard?” I asked. He called me a hippie for growing my own vegetables.

  • My dates “catch phrase” was a quote from Seinfeld. I love TV, so I thought that was a good sign. When we meet, I start to talk about Seinfeld and he tells me he doesn’t watch tv and doesn’t even own one.

  •  A young woman and I got along pretty well in the bar where we’d agreed to meet, but things went downhill when we decided to get dinner at a nearby restaurant. Our server brought us a bread basket that my date grabbed three of four rolls from and then started playing weird games with. Like, she would scoop dough out of a roll, pound it into a little ball, and then put it back in the basket! She would then fill the little remaining crust-boat with olive oil, take a bite from it, and refill it. Eating is cool. Playdough, less so. Did you ever see that movie ‘Conspirators of Pleasure,’ with the woman who fetishizes bread and snorts dough balls? It reminded me of that, which might say more about me as lousy digital dater than her.

  • We agreed to meet at a bar even though he didn’t drink (when I asked if he went to meetings instead, he was silent). On the phone it had come up that he was a Redsox fan – I am a diehard Yankees fan. But I thought a little rivalry could be fun – I have a lot of Yankee fan friends who have married Redsox fans and they both have a sense of humor about it! When I met him at the bar he proceeded to tell me that 1) If we became a couple I would only be allowed to wear my Yankees hats/shirts when I was home visiting my family; never around him; 2)I should not expect him to talk to me while he was watching Redsox games on TV; and 3) we could not get married in October because he needed to keep the post-season available for any potential Redsox trips to the World Series.

  •  My online date was eight-and-a-half months pregnant. She never mentioned that prior to our meeting. True, I swear. My first words on our date were: ‘Pardon me, but are you pregnant?’ A gay friend of hers, it turns out, had inseminated her with a turkey baster, or so she said. When I asked what she was doing on a blind date when she was going to give birth in two weeks she said: ‘The baby has me; I want someone.’

  •  A poet offered to pick me up for dinner and a movie. I accepted, and that’s where everything went wrong. For dinner, we went to Ikea for a $5 platter of Swedish meatballs. NO I’M TOTALLY SERIOUS. And the movie? The movie was one of those free movies-in-the-park, and it just so happened to be Spongebob Squarepants and the park was full of children. I hate Spongebob Squarepants. On top of that, he only packed a very small blanket and asked why I hadn’t brought a blanket for myself (um, because I thought we were going to a theater?).

  •  I met a guy for coffee. As we were sitting outside of the coffee shop enjoying some nice conversation he told me how he was working on writing some music. He then proceeded to sing, very loudly, his current endeavor in song writing. It was about killing unicorns (and no he was not being ironic). I kept making, “oh that’s nice,” “okay,” sort of comments and he just kept singing louder and louder.

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