The Good, The Bad and the GodAwful-Part Two: “Hotboxed Against My Will”
You might laugh…
ok… you’re GONNA laugh…
I still laugh….
but this really happened.
So- I obviously didn’t learn from DJ Mexico… Because while partying with a few friends at Fat Tuesdays in Coconut grove… This guy came over and politely asked for my number. Without hesitation… i gave it to him. *sigh* I Learned! I swear i …. ok. i still didn’t learn my lesson because there’s a third part to this series. Heh.
Yup- After two 190 octaines at Fat Tuesdays i gave my number to a guy. He was a Bail Bondsman. We spoke briefly a few times and he seemed fairly “normal”. He even made me laugh a couple times. We set a dinner and drinks date for the following Saturday and i…… let.him.pick.me.up. *sigh* i know…. don’t judge me.
He picked me up in his super tacky convertible, so UP went my long curly hair.The drive to the restaurant wasn’t a lively one. It was far… and quiet.
He took me to an Italian place…What is it with guys and Italian? This isn’t Lady and the Tramp! Anyway- We sat down at our table, ordered fairly quickly and sat… in silence… until His food arrived, and although mine came shortly after his, he was done with his food before i could stick a fork in it.
We sat in pure silence until finally, i started asking questions…
ME-Where are you from?
ME-What do you do for fun?
ME-“So… The elections are coming up… who are you voting for?”
(I was really into the elections and was doing as much as i could to get involved with Obama’s Campaign so, I was genuinely interested in the topic)
HIM- “Well- im thinkin ima vote for that nigga Obama… These Gringos aint gettin the job done, its time we had a brotha in there ya know?”
That was his answer…. he was gonna vote for “That nigga Obama… blahblahblah I dont know anything outside of drinking and partying blahblahblah” Thats all i heard.
After that “conversation about important things to fill the dead air” was over… We fell silent… once again. Even the Waiter was giving me Do-you-need-help-Eyes… i walked to the bathroom to make a “Whats everyone doing tonight? Cause im about to cut this date in half-type-phone-call” as Im leaving the bathroom the waiter stops me and ACTUALLY asks “Are you doing ok? That looks brutal…” It was… it WAS brutal. Sitting Totally silent with absolutely nothing to talk about.
SO we SPLIT THE CHECK, and head to the car while playing the “What do you wanna do? I dunno what do YOU wanna do? I dunno what do YOU wanna do?” game.
We get in the car and He presses the button to lock the doors and windows… I’m nervous… why is he locking the windows? He stops and looks at me… with a very serious expression he says “MMM… That was good… Now… its time for … DESSERT” He reaches over towards me and i reach in my purse… feeling the cool barrel of my pepper spray in my palm thinking, “Ive been dieing to use this thing… this might be the night…” He reaches across my lap into the side pocket of the door and pulls out a…
A MARIJUANA CIGAR.
You can imagine my never having gotten high before or even gotten close, I got REEEEALLY nervous. I was shocked… on a date? Really, Guy? On what planet is that appropriate… Ooooohhh… wait… i know… He must think i’m one of those too-cool- for -school -chongalicious -girls who’s gonna want a puff or two. Hrmm… I may have chonga tendencies but i am definitely NOT a chonga.
For those of you who do not know what a chonga is:
noun- A chonga is a woman of hispanic origin classified by, but not limited to, the following characteristics:
1. Brazilian jeans (folds of skin hanging over are a bonus, but not mandatory).
2. Excessive application of hair gel, with the hair usually worn in a curly fashion or pressed tightly to the head, dangerously close to cutting off circulation.
3. Brand name clothing (including Ecko Unlimited, Baby Phat, Phat Farm, and Sean John).
4. Air Force Ones or some other form of Nikes/Adidas.
5. Obscenely color-coordinated outfits.
6. A lack of understanding of the English language, usually resulting in accents, improper use of words, and/or a mixture of Spanish and English known as Spanglish.
7. Distinct make-up – specifically fake, exaggerated, and highly arched eyebrows, black lipliner, glittery lip stick, and heavy masquera.
8. Unique form of internet jargon that utilizes a combination of upper-case and lower-case letters along with Spanish words and phrases.
9. A general attraction to malls, especially Dolphin Mall in Florida.
10. An affinity for enormous hoop earrings. They are typically gold and large enough for one to fit a small child through.
11. A general interest in reggaeton/hip-hop. Nothing works better for luring a chonga than a hardcore Pitbull rap.
1. Simulated chonga online dialogue:
CuBaNiTaMaMii4U: OyE MaRiA-LuIsA ii tInK ii miiGhT bii PrEgNaNt wiiT JoSeS BaBii.
HoTtIeCuBaN4LyF: Ayyyye MaMiii qUe cUtEE l0l
Moving on- As he proceeds to “Spark Up” This enormous amount of Mary Jane… I’m getting increasingly nervous. After a a huge puff, filling the car with smoke, i ask …
Me- “Do you mind putting that out? Its kind of making me uncomfortable”
Him-”WHAT?! REALLY?! *exasperated sigh* Whatever. FINE.”
(As if i asked him to… i dunno, change religions, or shoot his dog)
Me- “Thank you.”
Him-”So wanna go to South Beach and get a few drinks at Fat Tuesdays?”
(as if our date was going so wonderfully…)
Me- Without hesitation i said “Actually… if you could just turn around and take me home, that would be great…”
Him-”Wow… really? why?”
Me-” I not trying to be mean or anything, but this clearly isn’t going to go anywhere. Instead of wasting a perfectly good Saturday night, why don’t we just go our separate ways and spare ourselves a few more hours of awkward silences?”
Him-”Damn… its like THAT?”
Me-”Its like that…Don’t be Offended… I’m sure you’ll have a great night… just not with me. ”
And with that, He drove me home, and i never heard from… or ever saw him again.
Moral of this story-