The Good, The Bad…. and the GodAwful. Part 1. Hecho en Mexico-

The first bad date I ever had the displeasure of attending took place in California.

Ok, ok , ok , ok…. Ill start from the beginning.

21 year old me was walking through the mall when i got a phone call from my awesome Roommate.  By the end of the phone call we both came to the conclusion that we needed a girls night out. She had heard something on the radio about a ladies night at a local Mexican restaurant, where girls got two free margaritas. My roommate and i were SO excited to be out and dancing , we were having a GREAT time. Dancing, Singing, Tossing back these tasty margaritas…..

That’s when it happened.

As i stood at the bar, waving down the bartender,  My roommate tells me that the DJ is looking my way. I turn ever so obviously, just to see what my Roommate was already pointing out. He was looking in my direction…. i say “in my direction” because , at that point i had already had …1….2…. maybe 3 or 7 margaritas and to be quite honest, there were definitely multiple DJ’s wearing the same exact thing at that point.

ME- “Is he cute? I cant really tell from here. ”
Roomie-” YEA! He’s really cute!”
(Although i reeeeeally shouldn’t have taken her word for it at that exact moment, besides having JUST as many margaritas as me, ON TOP of not wearing her glasses that night…It just seemed like the smart thing at the time. )
Me- “Ooh… a DJ… That’s so cool…”
Roomie- “OOH! He’s coming this way!”

From that moment to the moment he walked away is to this day, a blurr of giggles and exchanging of numbers. At that exact second, i saw Ben Affleck as a DJ. As he spoke to me all i saw was this… The next afternoon my Ben Affleck look alike, called to ask me out for lunch that very same day. I accepted and realized id made…..

HUGE DATING MISTAKE #1:Giving your number to a guy while you’re wearing Tequila Goggles.

HUGE DATING MISTAKE#2: I let him pick me up for our date. I don’t know WHY i did it. My car was fine.  I most DEFINITELY should have driven myself. Girls… seriously…. take your own car the first date. Its a MUST.

When he arrived to pick me up. I didnt open the door to the dashing good looks of a Vinyl spinning Ben Affleck Look-A-Like…. but to this….

(Note: I could not find a picture that really captured what i saw when i opened the door,I didn’t want to put him on BLAST by putting his ACTUAL photo up either so you’re going to have to trust me on this one and dust of your imagination hat)

Picture this with me for a moment ladies… now close your eyes… wait…. keep them open as to read this description…

6’4

Pale.

Dark Balding Hair, Parted and gelled to the sides from the middle.

Eye brows like big… fat… obese caterpillars crawling across his forehead. leaving no space in between the “two”…

Then came his nose. It was so large and invasive, it entered my apartment while his feet were firmly planted on my welcome mat… OUTSIDE.

His teeth looked like that of a shark and an zombie…. yes… as if a SHARK and a zombie came together as one and gave him its grill. Yellow and oh… so jagged… so many layers of teeth upon teeth…

As for  the top half of his body….Keep in mind hes 6’4, he must have weighed about 130 pounds, soaking wet. Wearing a black T-shirt three sizes two small, It said “Did you have fun last night?” As i looked at that shirt, all i could think was , “Why yes…. yes i did… apparently TOO much fun…. *sigh*”

Next we have this HUGE belt buckle on what looks like a pair of acid wash jeggings tucked into  combat boots. The belt buckle read “Hecho En Mexico”… Ive never looked at another Mexican flag the same.

I asked him to give me a moment to grab my purse, walked calmly over to the kitchen where my Lovely , giggling roommate stood, watching this train wreck commence… cursed her under my breath and grabbed my purse and went on this date.

We arrive at this mom and pop Italian restaurant for lunch… the date goes as follows…

We Order.

His food arrives at the table first… he scarfs it down.

My food comes out about 8 minutes later and hes already done with his entire plate.

I’m nervously kicking the table softly only to realize moments later that I’m REALLY softly kicking his LEG. He leans over and asks me if I’m “playing footsies” with him
because “you know what they say about men with large feet… heh heh heh…… i immediately stop and start trying to get this date on with…

I start asking questions because, no… I’m not COMPLETELY shallow… there muuuust be something about this guy that i can identify with.

No.

He was 29. Living at home with his mom because according to him… Why wouldn’t he? She took care of him! cooked, did his laundry and made his bed. (These are his exact words)

He had been working at movie theater since he was 15 and had just received his big promotion from concession to the Management. The DJ gig was a side thing.

–___–

He asked if i wanted to go to the movies after because he could probably get me in for free… i told him i had a tooth ache as i ran to the bathroom to call out an S.O.S.
When it was time to leave, i just couldn’t take it anymore. We had nothing in common, He couldn’t make me laugh, or wasn’t even trying. His rico suave bit wasn’t working on me. I was just feeling more and more uncomfortable as the minutes ticked on.

Me- “Would you hate me tons if we skipped the movie and you took me home? This toothache is killing me…” (Yes. I clutched the side of my face and made agonizing sounds all the way home.)
Him- “Are you Sure?”
Me- “Yes please”

We drove home in silence…. Me dodging his attempts to hold my hand the entire way.Pulling up to my apartment, he did the lean… i couldn’t escape fast enough… “ThankssomuchforeverythinggethomesafeBYE!” and i literally jumped from the car before he could put it in park.

A couple of months and about 67 “Missed” phone calls later…. I spotted him at Old Navy…. I Hid from him til i saw him leave…

Moral of this story…. Giving your number out while you’re inebriated isn’t always the best idea…. in fact. Just don’t do it.

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