My “Me Time” has been HIJACKED by Anxiety.

Right now we are in a Global Crisis.

There is an awful virus spreading like wildfire and unfortunately not everyone is taking it as seriously as it should be taken. Selfishly people are still going out and gathering as if nothing is happening. As if it wont possibly affect other people or as if it doesn’t matter.

As someone with Anxiety and Depression, being told to stay in is tough.  Surviving through this Pandemic is a rollercoaster. For me and for many I assume, daytime is the easy part. I put on a brave face for my family. “Don’t worry about anything, it will all work itself out.” planning activities and telling myself “This too shall pass” “Let go and let God” “God is in control” “We will be alright”. Ozzy has no idea what’s going on. He thinks Covid 19 is an evil villain we are all fighting to defeat but he doesn’t realize it’s REAL.

Just keep cleaning. Keep disinfecting. We will be fine.  Take your vitamins, Eat well, Get some rest.

We. Will. Be. Fine.

Day time is not EASIER but it’s comprehensible, it’s understandable, it’s feasible because you have no other choice.

Then the evening rolls around and we go through the motions of our night time routines. Bathtime, Bedtime, ME TIME. When I get to sit in front of the TV or with a book and be uninterrupted. Usually there is ice cream involved but these days I’m trying to hold back since I know we are stuck indoors and I’m not as active as I used to be.

After my time alone, I walk through my apartment, saying my prayers as usual, what im grateful for, thankful for, Tucking my son back into bed because his legs are always dangling off the side of the bed. Turning out the light switches, and making sure all candles are off. Now I walk through with a spray bottle of rubbing alcohol hitting anything we touch often. Switches, knobs, handles… And sometimes… like last night… The darkness creeps in. The Anxiety hits. “Did i already spray the front door?” “Did i spray it enough…” “What happens if we don’t pay the rent on time…” “Do we just wing it?” “Should we leave? Where would we go?” There’s nowhere to hide.

My “Me time” has been hijacked by Anxiety.

My thoughts darken and I wonder, what would happen to my family if  something happens to me. Miami Dade County is already at a higher number than Broward County… How long would I be away from them? Worse, what if my 5 year old got sick. Would he be able to fight this awful virus. I start to pace. The knot in my throat forms and it hurts. I think about my Mother, My Dad, My brother, My nephew and I hope they are taking the precautions to be well and be safe. I’m not near any of them. I couldn’t drop by and say hi from the sidewalk even if I wanted to. The tears come and my heart races. My Mother in law es una atrevida. I have to make sure I call her AGAIN tomorrow and remind her to stay in.   My husband is Diabetic. I need to remind him to rest and not burn out with work. My breathing quickens and my prayers turn to chants. Begging and pleading.

Please God keep my family safe.

These are all thoughts I have in more gruesome detail than is fair, from the front door to my bed, and in my small apartment it’s not a far distance. My mind  RACES.

I don’t sleep. I try everything to distract my mind and trick it into thinking about something else. Something light. Something fun and easy. I try breathing exercises and hope my body gives up and lets me fall asleep. It’s 4 am and my eyelids are finally giving in. 4 hours later my beautiful, amazing, smart 5 year old comes in to kiss me good morning and it’s time to put that brave face on again.

I can and I will.

If you are going through this, or something similar, please…. PLEASE know…. you are not alone.

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