Mental Health Update

My last post about my  mental health journey was about 4 months ago.

In September I was in an ok space, but in that time I slowly started to lose control. It was almost as if I spun out. Things started changing in my personal life, I was getting busier and life choices were being made and it started to get too heavy. I couldn’t take care of myself with cardio and a little TLC anymore… Things that worked before, weren’t working anymore and I had no more tricks up my sleeve. I had to break out the big guns.

I guess I’m writing this update to show that anxiety and depression has a mind of its own . Things that work today, may not work tomorrow . You may have to explore other options and that’s OK. It’s something that is CONSTANT. I’ts always in the back of my mind, I am always looking for things and trying new things to improve on my mental health.  The last few months I’ve been struggling with how I handle stress and my emotions have taken over. I couldn’t have important conversations without a flood of tears or without being able to put real sentences together. Triggers were everywhere and I had zero coping mechanisms.

I battled with the idea of getting back on anti depressants. Could I fight through this? Maybe. Did i want to? No. I felt like I was wasting my time being this shell of a person. It can be difficult to talk about because not everyone understands it. It’s a tough topic for some. I was going through the motions but I wasn’t LIVING. Not well anyway and it was getting harder and harder to fake it.  I was tormenting myself with trying to figure it all out ahead of time instead of living day by day and taking every day as it came. Planning for the future while yes important, can’t be done without some semblance of a level head.

My  brain was like that commercial  with the egg in the pan, this is your brain…. this is your brain on drugs. remember that? no? just me? ok.

It’s not as though I was stuck in bed, not able to do  the day to day things – but, I started to lose interest in things i once enjoyed and things that worked before weren’t working now. I had no desire to do anything creative, working out was like pulling teeth and at night I layed in bed staring at my ceiling until my body gave out and forced my eyes shut. Even then , my mind raced and any little sound had me up , patrolling the apartment for intruders. Ridiculous, right?

All of this happened in the last few months. There were moments when i felt it coming on and thought to myself… Ok- Its gonna happen soon and i need to be ready… So id force myself to go for a run or do something i would normally love but even then it wasn’t working. Late November I decided to talk to my doctor about it and I made the choice to get back on meds.  I started December 1st and am now finally starting to feel like myself again.  In the beginning there were side effects. So far its been great. The side effects were mild and I have felt really great since. Today my husband and I had a conversation that before would have had me in mega tears and probably would have resulted in a fight, simply because I had no control over my emotions. This time I was able to actually form full sentences that made sense when strung together, not sob.  Game changer.

This doesn’t necessarily mean I will be on them forever, I might – who knows. If I DO decide to let them go for a while again, I will probably talk to my doctor about weaning myself from them instead of quitting cold turkey like last time. That was rough.

This ALSO doesn’t mean I won’t be doing the things that helped before. I’m still going to be creative, I’m still working out. Those things make me who I am.  Im doing any and everything I can to make myself feel well. I’m doing this to be the best version of myself I can be. I want to be a good Mom and Wife and for me this means I have to take care of myself first.

And thats. O. K.

2019 is going to be the year of Angie. The year I read more books and dive into things that make my soul happy. I love my family and this is as much for them as it is for me. A happy Angie means a happy Wife and Mother. There is no shame in it. In fact im proud of myself for doing what I had to do.

If you or someone you know suffers from Anxiety or Depression- encourage them to talk to their doctor. To explore every avenue and option to make themselves feel good. Be there to listen if need be and just let them know they are loved and not alone.

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One Response to “Mental Health Update

  • I am so happy that there are people like you in this world. Thank you for being brave enough to post this, we will NEVER understand just how many people need to read it.

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