Anxiety or Comé Mierderia…

I feel like as a 30 something…(32. ok im 32.) I was raised to be tough and problems were just things to be tackled and won. You have an issue you work at it, you solve it. But Antidepressants? Me? Nah. Anxiety?  Ha. More like weak minded comémierderia… post partum? Not even on my radar… must suck for women who go through that… 

Then boom. It hit me like a ton of bricks and when i reached out to talk about it i got mixed reactions… from young and old alike but mostly my Latino community. “You just need to relax” “ong youre just like your mother” “Crybaby” “Eso no existia cuando yo era joven”… 

Um yes it did. People just called you crazy and over protective. 

I felt so stupid for thinking it couldnt happen to me but it did… and i didnt know how to handle it or what to do with it. 
Instead i pushed ot to the furthest of my mind body and soul and pretended like so many others that it didnt exist… that itas just me being weak and i needed to toughen up. I didnt need help. I could do it ALL. By myself. 
My life started to fall apart and i couldnt understand why. I LOVE my kid with every fiber of my being. I would die for him. Why cant i stop crying? Why does my mind race at night leaving so little room for rest? Running of fumes and feeling like i couldnt say it out loud because of what people would think. 

I see my young toddler walking towards steps and like a movie in my mind i see him falling, unreachable and  im already planning the fastest route to the hospital. He hasnt even made it passed the baby gate, WTF is wrong with me?! 

I go to the doctor and have a melt down. I spill my guts… i tell her about how sometimes it feels good to sit on the floor in my closet in the dark and just breathe… i tell her about my worries my EXTRA dramatic worries, and she looks at me, hands on my shoulders and says “there is NOTHING wrong with you. Lets try some Celexa. A low dose to regulate your emotions a little.” As i see her write the words Anxiety and Depression. Could this really be me? Still finding it hard to believe. 

I held on to the antidepressants for a few weeks. Scared to take them. Scared to tell anyone. I joined a gym and it worked for a while, i lost some weight, i found a healthy hobby but still my mind wasnt right… i decided to take the celexa and the difference has been impressive. I feel like myself again. 

I guess im wondering am i the only one who had such a hard time admitting to myself that i needed a little help? That has a hard time talking to people about it in fear that they just wont understand? 



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