Putting Makeup Back Where it Belongs
Growing up I wasn’t really into makeup. If I wore Mascara AND chap stick it was a big deal. I dabbled in some shimmery cream shadows when I was about 17 and even then… I think I might have had ONE. A baby blue one I wore only when I wore… Baby blue. It just didn’t call my attention.
Until I was about 19-20 living in California. I began to wear more here and there, but it was never what it has become today. I recently noticed something. As I gained weight my interest in makeup did too. To the point where I was pushing 250 and OBSESSED With makeup. I had loads and loads of makeup and pretty soon all of the photos I took of myself were from the shoulders up. I was hating myself but Makeup was an outlet. I never had to worry about fit or my waistline, I could contour and automatically look like id lost 5 pounds.
For a long time i hated every picture ever taken of me…
Social events, holidays, dates with my husband they were all SUCH A source of stress for me. People are going to see me. My family and friends are going to see me and I know SOMEONE is going to say something. Mention that I’ve gained a few pounds or that i look different but if i work really hard on my face maybe it will distract them from everything below the neck. Then maybe at LEAST ill have a pretty face and no one will notice the rest of me. Or notice how sad i really was.
I had so much to be happy about, grateful for but every day was a constant struggle picking out clothes just to go do every day things. Chores as trivial as going to the supermarket were bothersome just because i had to put “Real” clothes on to go.
For a long time I blamed my appearance on that one reeeeally shitty year. Yes. It was a really tough year, and in reality all of that came to a head in a span of about 3 months. Did I HAVE to eat 379 tacos in a night? Did I HAVE to indulge in pint after pint of coldstone ice cream on the couch in front of the TV? Did I HAVE to”try” in every dessert Applebees had to offer? No. I was sad. And I felt like I had no one else to turn to. Food made me feel better. If only for a moment I was able to focus on something else. Then I came home (back to Miami) and I partied 6 nights a week. Alcohol and fast food. Alcohol and fast food. It was a nightmare.
When I got married, although I was happy to be marrying my best friend, I was also SO stressed and SO anxious to be the center of attention. A lot of the fun bridal stuff really wasn’t much fun. I tried my best to make it through with a smile and minimal tears but I wasn’t the bride I wanted to be. The bride I had always dreamed I would be. I didn’t get to wear the dresses that I so desperately wanted to wear ever since I was a little girl. I always envisioned this beautiful form fitting mermaid gown, lacy and simple. Classically beautiful. Me in a beautiful gown but when i went shopping and tried on those dresses it was more than disappointing. The dresses i had dreamed of were now just that. A dream. I knew i couldn’t lose 100 pounds before my wedding. It was impossible. I now had to look at the dresses that fit. Not the ones i LOVED, but the ones that FIT. I ended up in a pretty ball gown. Lots of lace. It was the one that looked best. The one that didn’t make me want to run and hide. Which, really was saying alot at the time. Looking at it now I feel sorry for that girl . I’m also angry at myself for taking that special moment and ruining it because of lack of self control. Because of lack of control over my emotions and how I dealt with things.
About 2 months after my wedding, I got pregnant. Although ECSTATIC to become a Mom and so over joyed to have this little being inside of me… I thought… this is it. This is what I will be for the rest of my life. If I haven’t changed yet, i’m certainly not going to be able to change after PREGNANCY. I’m doomed.
That couldn’t be farther from the truth. In my first trimester I lost 15 pounds. Then I gained about 18 throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. All of my weight shifted and went directly to my belly. I’ve never looked better than with that beautiful belly leading my every move. I was happier than I have ever been. Every kick and every movement was a reminder of how much work was ahead of me. Not only was I about to bring my heart and soul into this world through a beautiful, amazing, perfect little boy… but I had to be his MOMMY. I became determined to be the best mommy I could possible be. And i couldnt do that in my unhealthy former body.
After I gave birth to Osiris, I started having severe backaches. I chalked it up to a shaky epidural. I remember flinching when the needle went in so in all honesty I just thought, I should just be happy i’m not PARALYZED or something. I need to just endure this pain because this is just something that comes with Child birth. One morning I woke up in SO much pain. I couldn’t pick up my baby boy, I could hardly move without crying out in pain. I told my husband it was time to go to the hospital. When I got there they realized my gallbladder was full to the brim with stones. SO full it looked like a sand bag, SOOOO FULL of stones. They also found that a stone had tried to pass and broken on its way down. Littering all over my liver and pancreas, giving me SUCH a severe case of Pancreatitis I was forced to stay in the hospital for a little over two weeks. I was on a diet of IV fluids, EXTREME pain killers and ice chips. Naturally i lost about 10 pounds. Once I came home, and I was feeling better I noticed none of my clothes fit me anymore. Everything was big on me. Swimming almost. I began to care about what was going into my body. I ate a better diet, and once I was physically up , I began walking. That turned into Jogging, now… I RUN.
I guess you can say baby O saved my life. He gave me the will and strength to do what had been so hard for me to do before. Care about ME. About MYSELF. Because if I don’t care about my well being. My health, my emotion health, Who is going to look after my son?
Don’t get me wrong. I still love makeup. I still love skincare and beauty. BUT It is no longer my OBSESSION. Its a passion now.
I put the makeup back where it was supposed to be. It’s now my creative outlet. As it should be.